@Trudacious

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

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@UncleDuke1969

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

@givesnoerection

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@xLiserx

Rambo: First Blood (1982)- After the onset of his first period, Rambo struggles with the emotional roller coaster of becoming a woman.

@Playing_Dad

*watching news report of zombie apocalypse*
Me: This is great. No work today!

@fart

when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die

@chuuew

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

@Tups13

Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*