the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
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Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Oops I deleted….
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.