I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Hello Twits.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
…u ok Nintendo?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
They also CAN sing✌️
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.