It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
You Might Also Like
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.