Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
You Might Also Like
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks