It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup