It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Gods work.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.