The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Sharon, call the vet
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA