It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I need to get some bricks…
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Every work meeting this week
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.