It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

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Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”


Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.


Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.


Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*


Found a half empty bottle of salad dressing in the woods. Not sure how kids party nowadays but I don’t think I can hang.


My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.


My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.


If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH


The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.