It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Worst perfume name ever.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
How software testing works
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!