@WhaJoTalkinBout

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

You Might Also Like

@Freak0nIine

“I’ve never smelled marijuana so I don’t know if that’s what you think you smell in my room” and other lies I tell my mother.

@LizHackett

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

@GrantTanaka

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

@Darlainky

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

@jordan_stratton

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

@realHamOnWry

There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.

@Mr_Kapowski

[helping my kid with contractions]

Me: Would’ve

Her: Would have

M: Nice. I’ll

H: I will

M: Good. Won’t

H: Won not

M: Excellent

@Reverend_Scott

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

@Darlainky

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.