It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.


Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.


Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.


Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?


[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now


That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.


me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter


I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth