It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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*3.5 thank you very much.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.