It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

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“I’ve never smelled marijuana so I don’t know if that’s what you think you smell in my room” and other lies I tell my mother.


I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.


before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother


Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.


[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.


There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.


[helping my kid with contractions]

Me: Would’ve

Her: Would have

M: Nice. I’ll

H: I will

M: Good. Won’t

H: Won not

M: Excellent


[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”


I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.