It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree