It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
True statement👍😏😁
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.