Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Grandmother clock.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My friend is an excellent librarian.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.