A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
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“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
So we got a goldfish…
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment