It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
You Might Also Like
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”