It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
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If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home