@LizHackett: It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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@ThePocketJustin: Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker. Me:He was much better at fighting than me. Police:Ok is there anything else?
@ScobeyWanKenobi: Just once I'd like to yell, "Don't you know who I am?!" because I'm important, not because I'm drunk and actually forgot.
@SortaBad: JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you're an overachiever ME: Yes for example I'm having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age