@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
??.??
??.??
??.??
[stops]
[gently now]

??.??

[very gently]

??.??

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

??.??

GODDAMMIT

@ZaraEatWorld

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

@i_zzzzzz

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

@prodigalsam

Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.

@fightforfood

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

@AimeeHelene1

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

@Woody_B_

Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter