It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.