It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[Putting petrol in car]
[ok, once more]
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter