@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

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@Jusatanoldguy

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

@MrMichaelSpicer

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

@JohnHilsen

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

@Tmoney68

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

@TheHatStore

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

@meganamram

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

@markydoodoo

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

@AimeeHelene1

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*