It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
You Might Also Like
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.