Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂