If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
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*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I’m already scared
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.