It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

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me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private


BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.


If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.


My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.


Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.


The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!


Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.


Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.


DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]