@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

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@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

@QuiteTheCurious

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

@PetrickSara

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

@DadandBuried

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

@lilgapeach30

The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!

@AmishPornStar1

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

@junejuly12

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

@chuuew

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]