I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
LOL!
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall