Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts