me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
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ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?