@DirtMcTurd

“Its not you. Its me.”
~ twins going through a photo album

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@GingerHotDish

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

@Thynebear

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

@Marlebean

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@TheQuietPsycho

*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out

@IndecisiveJones

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.