@samalmightysam: "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos
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@CyrusOMerican: [emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War] ME: Excuse me, what year is it? MAN: It's 830. ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
@AristotlesNZ: Me: *opens door* Yes? Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord? Me: ..Of The Rings? Him: Uh No.. *door slam*
@david8hughes: I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
@bonehugsnirony: interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years? me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing