“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*