@dblackattack

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

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@KateWhineHall

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

@Marlebean

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

@IvoryGazelle

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@gojarbe

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

@TheHyyyype

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

@NolaChef504

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

@TheReal_AndyMac

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

@Donna_McCoy

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

@dreamthievin

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl