It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

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A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.


I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.


This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her


WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down



this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies


[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me


When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways


Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.


Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.


Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl