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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”


Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.


If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.


Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”


Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.


I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.


PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]


How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby


The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.