“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……
but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.