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There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.


The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.


Of course it’s you. if it was me I wouldn’t even bring it up.


I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.


Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice


My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!