We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
oh you wanna fight?!
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Shortcut
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.