@byrdie_num_num

It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.

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@TheTalkingPipe

I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.

@MacAnnabella

The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.

@McGrumpenstein

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

@fro_vo

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

@NicestHippo

POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]
Oops

@Jake_Vig

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

@robotmouthfarts

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.