This kid will have a bright future.
It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.