wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good