Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*gets off on a technicality
This is the only criticism of millenials I will accept
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us