WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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Not all heroes wear capes…
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
SCARY COSTUME
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”