@xLiserx

It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.

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@DesecratedJewel

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

@flashember

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

@NaaN_Conformist

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

@AmishPornStar1

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

@kirkdiedrich

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

@DanaSchwartzzz

BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us