It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.