“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin


[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX


Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”


Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?


Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?


Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.


Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.


Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.