@Marcmywords2

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

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@david8hughes

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@candace_9871

Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@beefman138

My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.

@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@TheNardvark

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

@Jeffwni

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

@NourHadidi

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

@AmericanGent69

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?