“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Ion see the issue
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
This hospital has everything
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad