Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”
Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.
Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?