Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 馃槶馃槶
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I don鈥檛 know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My favorite thing is when there鈥檚 not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you鈥檙e just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
checking out some reviews of my local library
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 馃槱
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.