It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
You Might Also Like
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese