It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
THIS HEADLINE
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.