It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.