It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Mornin. * use accordingly
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom