it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.