@bonehugsnirony

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

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@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

@Browtweaten

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

@heroinsdemise

Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I’ve never heard a baby say: “cigarettes,phone and keys alright let’s go”

@shhrugg

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

@MuhamdIr

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

@AnOrangeSNES

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

@lunchmane

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

@Home_Halfway

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*