Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My daily affirmation
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan