@mdob11

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

You Might Also Like

@fuzzlime

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

@Jazzzzzmina

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

@erichwithach

My son asked me how chains are made and I told him “you have to be the chains you wish to see in the world.”

Anyway long story short if someone has a sofa I can crash on.

@POTerritory

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

@TheAdly

Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.

@KingRainhead

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it