last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My son asked me how chains are made and I told him “you have to be the chains you wish to see in the world.”
Anyway long story short if someone has a sofa I can crash on.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Why is your ass split vertically?
Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it