Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.