Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
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Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.