It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.


1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.


[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!


Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok


We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.


My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”


No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.


If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.