@timdonakowski

It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.

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@jwoodham

It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.

@LizHackett

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

@Ngamsi_

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

@robotmouthfarts

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

@richforri

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

@her_he_man

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

@BraandoCommando

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

@reputathebeauta

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

@Reverend_Scott

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.