It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.

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Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.


I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.


[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?


Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.


Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.


Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.


Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth


Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it


I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.


Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer

Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?

Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin