It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.

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5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?


ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible


ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*


“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”


My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.


People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”


*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?


GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?


[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid