It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.
It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.
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Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
*flips table into moon*
Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.