I have a new favorite meme page
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Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Nice try Hitler
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.