ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*3.5 thank you very much.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.