When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.