Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I occasionally drink every single night.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig