@FacesPics

…it’s on the house 😉

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@mattZillaaaa

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

@Shade510

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

@bea_ker

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

@68Cly29

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

@SortaBad

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

@junejuly12

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

@EllenPallas

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.