@FacesPics

…it’s on the house 😉

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@FXTVaddict

Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.

Boss: 5 times?

Me: Yeah I guess.

B: …..

M: HR again?

@JodingersCat

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

@notacroc

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

@GrahamKritzer

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

@MattMcElaney

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

@divergentmama

I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

@KevinFarzad

Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.

@bobvulfov

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

@Sickayduh

“What’s that?”
– My new boss. He’s very deciduous”
“Decisive?”
– Nope. I carved him from a potted tree.
*squirrel peeks out of his mouth*