ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go