My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.
Boss: 5 times?
Me: Yeah I guess.
M: HR again?
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
– My new boss. He’s very deciduous”
– Nope. I carved him from a potted tree.
*squirrel peeks out of his mouth*