[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*sings Hakuna Matata during your meltdown*
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Interviewer: holy shit
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.