Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.
The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.