@Gupton68

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

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@TheCiscoKidder

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

@OhReallyRach

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

@juliussharpe

For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.

@jeffswarens

The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

@Marlebean

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

@lovemydogduck

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

@rainerfm

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

@AhmadMhdAli

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.